The English Language

[Dutchman]

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

[Penguin]

Picky but funny

[Prof]

I like that

[Roan]

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship bubblewrap, what do they pack it in?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, do they do anything?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out it's nose?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.....

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is flat?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

The light went out, but where to ?

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

When to airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?

[Dutchman]

Nice ones. Seen them before, but still make me laugh

[sharkyinternet]

yer hehe we say some weird stuff and have loads of funny words hehe

[fatal]

If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?

the earth would implode.

ALSO:

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

because theyre aliens. plain and simple.

[sharkyinternet]

If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?

the earth would implode.

ha i sore an advert the other day on tv is was a new type of butter that was so light it didnt land butter side down i found it quite funny what are companies thinking thease days haha

['KoB'@Babbajabba]

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Well 0 degrees C is 32 degrees farenhiet, So half of 32 is 16 degrees Farenhiet and 16 degrees Farenhiet is -8.88 degrees C.

lol lol

[Goku]

hehe nice one roan and dutcheh

[Mac.]

Nice one people, some great reads there had me chuckling !!

[sharkyinternet]

hehe