Mac's joke of the day !

[Mac.]

Will put a new one everyday till I either get bored or cant find any good ones !!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

Cya tomorrow

[Goku]

heh

[Mac.]

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

[Penguin]

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

I know someone who will associate himself with this joke

[Dutchman]

Hehe, both ones are nice

Keep 'em coming m8y

[Goku]

hehe i like teh second

[THEONE]

Will put a new one everyday till I either get bored or cant find any good ones.............

Bored or can´t find another good one???

[Mac.]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin‘ a bad time. I’m agonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”

Gasping she shook her head “No”.

He asked “Kin ya breathe?”

Still gasping she again shook her head “No”.

With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said “Ya‘ know it’s sure amazin‘ how that hind-lick maneuver always works!”

[Goku]

LOL!

[Mac.]

** Always check email address b4 hitting send button **

A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing hiserror, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It is damn hot down here !!

[Mac.]

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have! moved twice telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's ?" asked the man.

" Tony's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Goku]

A man died and went to heaven.

** Always check email address b4 hitting send button **

A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing hiserror, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It is damn hot down here !!

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have! moved twice telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's ?" asked the man.

" Tony's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

LOL!!!!!!! Excellent jokes keep em coming mac

[Mac.]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*@king cat."

[Thomas]

LOL Mac Nice one!

[Dutchman]

roflmao, another nice one

Keep 'em coming m8y, good fun to read 'em

You don't happen to have some nice jokes about tourists, do you, else I can start writing a diary about work with funny anecdotes

[[FuN]Gebly]

Hip Hip to ze Mac !

[Mac.]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set
her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She
seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in
her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all
right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

:p

[Dutchman]

rofl! :lol:

Nice one

[Mac.]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are
these Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of
that in health class at school." He looks over the display and
picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this
package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for
Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who
are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those
are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for
March....."

[Goku]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are
these Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of
that in health class at school." He looks over the display and
picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this
package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for
Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who
are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those
are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for
March....."

not as good as the others but still funny